Tiger

its been 15 hours since my beloved cat Tiger, died. and i havent stopped crying.
maybe will never stop.
i wish i know how to make myself feel a bit better. but nothing works.

everywhere i look always reminds me of Tiger, my bedroom, the living room, the bathroom (cos he liked water so much), the little plate of his, the couch, the garden, and the street where i found him dying hopelessly after he got hit by a car..

and i have to walk pass that street everywhere i go, and will always have that image of him lying there helplessly waiting to die..
i wish i could did something.
i wish i had a chance to take him to the vet. but i didnt.
i wish i didnt let him out today..
i wish i had the gut to look at him when he was severly injured and there was blood everywhere and although i knew he was in such a terrible pain, i could do nothing else but scream his name out loud with tears running down my cheek.

i wish he didnt die.

i didnt want him to die.
but he did.

he was in pain, and nothing i could do about it.
nothing..
not a damn thing.

the part that kills me is knowing he was still totally fine in the morning, and the day before. he was still running around my house with his sister tessie, he seemed allright.
none of us saw this coming.

but today......
some asshole knocked him down with his fucking car and heartlessly just left him in the side of the road, bleading to death!!!!!

there is a HUGE loss inside me. like some part of me has died with him..
i still couldnt believe he is not here anymore.
i kept looking, hoping maybe he would come back, all healty and happy again.
hoping
and hoping...
wondering would it be possible that he comes back alive.. would God be that kindly to bring him back to me.

because God knows
he wasnt just a cat.
he was somthing more than that.

i dont understand..

i dont get it.
why did this happen.
what could i possibly have done in the past that makes God this angry with me.

he was the only thing that matters for me.
he was the reason i want to come home to.
cos after every single bullshit i had to put up with,,,, his face was the only thing that would light me up again.

at some level i could feel that he loved me.
he didnt have to say it.
but i felt it.

there will be no more sight of him trying to catch a bird. he liked to catch a bird and killed it.
people say when cat does that, it means he wants to give you a gift, and letting you know that he loves you.
and tiger did that all the time. he caught a bird and brought it home for me.. and anybody else who loves him.
he made me smile. even when he didnt realize it.

why did he have to go?

when will i be able to accept the fact that he is gone.

the only Guy that ever made me happy,, is gone...

Tiger
where ever you are right now
im sure you are in a much better place. im sure you are still trying to catch a bird.
im sure you are much much happy right now.
God will tell you how much i miss you
how much i love you.

i will always keep a part of you in me.

you are not just a cat.
you are my everything.......